Valentine's Day Really Makes Me Barf

Apparently, only the third in a series of things that make me throw up in my mouth a little bit (I swear there are more than three, I'll get on it)--the mother of them all, Valentine's Day.

Now, believe it or not, my intense dislike of Valentine's Day has nothing to do with weddings--I hated Valentine's Day even back when I used to admire wedding magazines at the checkout. But I guess my dislike stems from similar factors, like consumerism and fakey-fakeness.

Here are just some of the reasons I actually puke on Feb. 14. Actually, no lie, once I fainted on Valentine's Day. That one wasn't so bad.

First, it's a totally made up holiday. From what I understand as a good Catholic girl (meaning I do believe most of the stories of the saints), no one's really sure that St. Valentine even existed.

Second, roses shouldn't cost $80 a dozen. I don't even really like red roses. When I tried to break up with my high school boyfriend he sent me a dozen red roses (which only cost like $30, fyi) so now they just strike me as kind of desperate and clingy and sore-losery.

Third, I hate contests that are set up so that you can't win, and I feel like Valentine's Day is really one of them. You love me? Prove it. No, really, prove it. I need $80 roses and an overpriced dinner and probably a gift and if you forget to do either then that means that you don't love me.

Fourth, that reminds me. My high school boyfriend used to make me exchange real gifts at Valentine's day. Like one year he bought me a phone and I bought him a razor. But one year he gave me a gold-dipped rose. I'm not kidding.

Fifth, you should show your love for your partner everyday, or at least on Fridays, not just one day a year.

Sixth, my very first boyfriend dumped me three days before Valentine's Day so that he could give a rose to my friend. Ouch. Actually, that turned out to be an ok Valentine's Day, but it's the principle.

Seventh, last year, Wes, Katie and I tried to get some Indian food in France, but they were only serving a prix-fixe menu for like 45 euros or something and there was no vegetarian option, but we didn't know that until we'd already sat down and got an aperitif, so we felt like we couldn't leave. And all the couples got a rose, but I didn't. And I suspect that someone else got my engagement ring in their shrimp masala. What other explanation could there be?

Eighth, when Wes buys me Godiva chocolates for Valentine's Day, he expects me to share them with him! But he waits until I've already eaten the merely delicious ones and asks for the super delicious ones and then makes fun of me when I don't want to give them to him.

But there are some good things about Valentine's Day. One, it's really close to Wes's birthday, so we get to celebrate that. Two, my dad always sends me candy. This year it's a box of Mrs. Fields chocolates, and that will get its own blog post. And three, Wes gives me Spanish cards that he has translated hilariously and he doesn't peer pressure me into giving him grooming tools or accepting ugly tchotchkes.