Amazon Fail

Whoa, Amazon. Whoa, whoa, whoa. This is absolutely not ok. Hortense from Jezebel is all over it. I'm not sure what's going on or how it's going to pan out, but it looks like I'll be using bn.com/aauw from now on. Updates here.

Things I'm Not Buying

So, I start all my blogs with "so." Just kidding. I mean, I do, but that's not what this is about. (Seriously, scroll down. It's a little embarrassing.)

Anyway, I've been clipping coupons lately (not using coupons, just clipping them, putting them in an envelope, forgetting them when I go to the store, then going through them every few weeks to throw out the expired ones).

And I was inspired to start a possible series called Things I'm Not Buying. Because the vast majority of coupons are for things I would never ever want or need, and I think they're funny.

To wit:

This is an ad for pre-cooked bacon. Despite it's "Best Taste" seal, I'm not convinced. If I even ate bacon, I would probably prefer to cook it the old-fashioned way. Though I guess you could make an argument that this would save time (approximately 1 minute) or keep some grease from the water supply, is that really worth losing the smell of frying bacon? I'm also not in favor of making saturated fat easier to add to your meals.



These are Native American Chief stamps. Like, hey guys, you were right. Sorry about the genocide, but part of being the greatest country in the world is admitting when you've been wrong. So, here are your faces on some stamps. Not just any stamps, free collectible ones. We will exploit no more forever. (JK)


I swear this appeared in the same coupon bunch as the stamps. Have they no sense of irony? What to get the man in your life who loves outdated, insensitive racial slurs as much as he loves home-team football and tasteful jewelry. Look no further. You can't see this, but it's only $117. Those are real diamonds, y'all. Oh, and 23 karat gold.

But of course, there are always a few things I am buying.

M&Ms premiums are crazy delicious. Think M&Ms can't get any more delicious. So did I. But think again, my friend. Think again.

That's Why I Have a Blog

So everyone has been complaining about the end of summer, and I'm no different. But I'll complain for another reason. (Some people have also been complaining incessantly about the Results class schedule, but that's another blog.)

I have to buy a trail light for my bike. Tonight, after a lovely run in the Results HydroWorx pool, I headed home only to find that it was almost too dark to wear my shades. That's bad for a number of reasons: number one, bugs in my eyes; number two, if I had stayed much later, it would have been completely dark, and I don't have a light.

I used to have a light--you're required by law to have one in DC and VA if you ride at night--but a lovely woman broke it when she helped me fix my flat tire. She flipped the bike over while the light was still attached, and it snapped off. At the time I was happy that I didn't have to walk home, but now I kinda miss the stupid light.

Don't get me wrong though, that light was not cutting it. I rode home along a trail, and it gets DARK. Plus I'm riding against traffic on the way home, so the lights of oncoming cars make it hard enough to see. I've almost driven off the trail a few times from darkness or blindness. Really, it's a great trail.

Anyway, my little light, which was totally sweet and bright for its price class, still wasn't bright enough for the deep darkness of the banks of the mighty Potomac. So I need a trail light. And those fuckers are expensive.

So, in conclusion, I'm complaining that I have to drop $200 so that I can continue riding my bicycle to work during these shorter days. At least I don't drive.

Weddings Kinda Make Me Barf

The first in a series of things that make me throw up in my mouth a little: weddings!

Not your wedding, of course, but weddings in general. (I don't think I hate marriage either, but I do hate the social fixation on partnering. Single people are people too, people!)

I blogged about the implicit cost of weddings on my other blog, but there are actually quite a few reasons I don't have much interest in getting married myself. I'll make a long story short: most of my reasons boil down to the fact that everything about weddings has become so hokey and un-unique in their quest for uniqueness that I can't stand it.

For example, yesterday SP got a save-the-date magnet from a friend. There are not one, not two, not three, but FOUR pictures of the happy couple smooching and/or embracing on the magnet. Gross. I don't know these two people, but even if I did, I wouldn't want a picture of them kissing, let alone FOUR pictures of them kissing, on my refrigerator. But guess what I have now. ("How else will we know they're in love?" SP asked in response to my questioning the poses.)

And their website, prominently displayed on the save the date (bad design), is even better. Actually, it's amazing.

There you can see all the "couples" pictures (her quotes, not mine) that they took two weeks before (????) they got engaged. That's another thing about weddings I don't understand: weird, soft-focus pictures. And I certainly don't understand getting them taken just for the hell of it. Under each picture in the slide show are some of the lyrics to the song Forever. It took me a while to place it, but I finally did.

Then there's the story of how they met and got engaged. Despite the fact that I've never met either member of the happy couple, I'm pretty sure that both of these stories have been whitewashed to some extent. (Though she did say her favorite casual-dining restaurant is Olive Garden, so maybe not.)

This website is inspiring. It almost makes me want to get married, just so I can post my version of how we met. It'll go something like this:

SP got wasted and told my roommate that I was cute. Once I remembered exactly who SP was, I was flattered. After a few weeks of hanging out, I dressed up like a hooker and he put on a fat suit, and we both got wasted, and I told him that no one needs a hooker like a fat guy, and then we made out in his living room in front of everyone I know, including my younger sister. The next day, in the harsh light of morning, we went to Lost Dog Cafe, one of our favorite casual-dining restaurants.

My parents are so proud. And yes, I did whitewash that. It was a Halloween party, and some dude tried to pick me up in my Capitol Hill neighborhood as I walked to my car in my hooker garb. And SP and I danced to Rock Your Body a few times before I finally made my move. And I made cupcakes. Fat guys love cupcakes.

So, as you can see, I really have no need to get married. I'm enough of an asshole already.

(And seriously, none of this is personal. All my married friends are absolutely lovely. It's the wedding-industrial complex I hate.)